the mutatis mutandis jab

We are back live at the Blasfémias arena, in this old city of Porto, Portugal. This is part two of our special report on the fight of the millenium between Cristina Keller and El Jodilón de las Pampas which was held here before a massive audience a couple of days ago. We are now also reaching our audiences in Shangai, Hong-Kong, Bombay, Tokyo and all other major Asian cities.

It all started early in the morning. Cristina was just sitting at her desk to start working for the day, when De las Pampas hit her with a couple of unexpected, simultaneous, tremendous blows: chocolatinhos na Suíça and a golden whistle.

As she was hit, her body fell back against the chair, her eyes firmly concentrated on the shiny whistle, her mind focused on a falta que fazem. She tried to reach for her mobile phone which was lying on her desk, two feet way from her hand, but she couldn't. She tried to recover and reach her computer, but she fell back on her chair more than a dozen times.

Meanwhile the De las Pampas' crowd was in cheers. It was taken for granted that Cristina would not recover from these devastating blows. For two hours there were no signs from her. Fans started to gather waiting for her reaction. From Portugal Contemporâneo Rui sent her a desperate cry:

-Fight back, Cristina. Jump on him. Kill him!

Slowly she regained conscience and started to move in her chair. She could now reach her computer with the tips of her fingers. Gently, she started to write "Dear JCD" (for John Culvert Dwight, the real name of De las Pampas), as if caressing the face of her opponent.

Then, all of a sudden, as De las Pampas lowered his guards, Cristina hit him with the most impressive and vicious of all jabs the World has ever known, the mutatis mutandis jab, followed by an aleivosia undercut. This sent De las Pampas straight to the Latin dictionary as if propelled by a nuclear-powered rocket. He would not recover for several hours.

There was now an uproar among Cristina´s fans, a climate of real apotheosis. What a genius she is, they cried. The mutatis mutandis jab had last been applied at the Coliseum in ancient Rome when men fought against beasts. It was now outlawed by the Beasts' Universal Declaration of Rights approved by the United Nations. It would take a genius to recover that ingenious, mostly lethal of all jabs from the Classical World.

As fans gathered under Cristina's front window in mid-afternoon, they were discussing the meaning of mutatis mutandis for they had never heard about it. Some said it was a kind of Swiss cheese, others argued that it was more like Italian pasta. They waited the whole of the afternoon for news of De las Pampas. Had he been killed by Cristina´s masterful mutatis mutandis jab?, they asked. Night was falling on the city when one of them said to another:

-I feel a little hungry. Let's go for a mutatis mutandis sandwich with a coke and we will come back later.

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We are going to break for a minute. Stay tuned as we return in a moment for part three of this special report on the fight of the millenium.