25 novembro 2008

migrate to the brain


-Ai valha-me Deus ... uma rapariga tão nova ... a espoldrinhar-se à frente de toda a gente por causa de um fala-barato daqueles ... que pouca vergonha ... as estrangeiras ainda são piores que as portuguesas!...- Mrs. Ermelinda exclaimed, as she could not believe what her eyes had just seen.
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-I love Dragau au au ... I want to marry him ... I can already see my married name in my next job application ... Linda au au ... - Linda said, her eyes still closed, her arms around her body.
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Mrs. Ermelina had stayed at Joaquim's for the rest of the afternoon after realizing that nobody had been hurt by the discussion about method. She was a typical Portuguese lower middle-class woman. At 67, she was smart and experienced.
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-Linda, you should not get involved with a man like Dragão... he won't make you happy ... he is a man of great talk and little deeds ... a woman like you needs a man who can act upon her, not simply throwing words at her ... - Joaquim tried gently to persuade Linda.
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-Parece impossível ... uma menina tão perfeita ... ainda por cima com uns pernões desses, a apaixonar-se por um palavroso daqueles ... - Mrs. Ermelinda said (Linda is the first from right here)
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-Pernões means good legs... Pernões ... ões, ... ões... - Joaquim explained antecipating Linda's phonetical difficulties with Portuguese ditongs.
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-Oh, thank's, it's so funny, pernois ois ois ... - Linda said, laughing.
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-E se a menina espera ter filhos daquele desbocado, bem vai esperar sentada ... só se emprenhar pelos ouvidos com o palavreado dele ... - Mrs. Ermelinda was now on the offensive.
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-You know Linda, men like Dragão who talk and talk and talk, who love words and words and words, suffer from a medical condition known as SBCS, or Spermatozoid Brain Congestion Syndrom - Joaquim was now definitely talking like a doctor.
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-Oh, I didn´t know that ... is that serious? - Linda asked, some panic now in her voice.
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-Very serious, indeed. In men suffering from SBCS, spermatozoids, instead of being stored in the scrotum, migrate to the brain through the blood system, crowding out the brain - Joaquim said.
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He added a full medical explanation:
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-Then, through a complex chemical reaction that takes place in the brain, spermatozoids are converted into salivated words. That's why men suffering from SBCS are hyperactive at words. They ejaculate words through the mouth instead of ejaculating sperm through the penis.
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Linda was now expressionless looking at Joaquim. Mrs. Ermelinda used the opportunity to go on the offensive at full-throtle:
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-Olhe, menina, eu cá não sou médica como o senhor doutor Joaquim, mas tenho muita experiência da vida ... ai se tenho ... o meu primeiro marido era um fala-barato que passava o tempo a dizer palavras que eu cá nem entendia ... mas depois eu nunca via o padeiro ...
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Then, with a smile, she added:
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-Bem ... nunca via o padeiro ... é uma maneira de dizer ... porque eu deixei-o e fugi com o padeiro ... esse é que era um homem ... estava sempre calado, só falava de pão ... mas era uma riquezinha na cama ... Estive casada trinta e quatro anos com ele e posso jurar-lhe, pela minha rica saudinha, que via o padeiro todos os dias ...
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Nobody could stop Mrs. Ermelinda now:
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- ... sem desfazer no meu actual marido, o Chico ... também é um homem muito calado, muito metido com ele ... nunca me faltou com nada, graças a Deus ... - she said, laughing.
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Lacking the medical expertise of Joaquim, and the experience of Mrs. Ermelinda with men, PA had remained silent for more than one hour, watching the conversation. This detail did not escape Mrs. Ermelinda.
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Pointing at him, she said to Linda:
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-A menina já viu como aqui o senhor doutor economista tem estado tão caladinho ... ?
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Then, a malicious smile in her eyes, she added:
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-Ponha os olhos nele ... este sim ... este é que deve ser dos bons ... Agora esse Lacrau ou lá como é que a menina lhe chama... esse, eu não o queria ... nem dado! ... Valha-me Nossa Senhora ...
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(Extract from the Report, op. cit., pp. 27-38, 157-196, 278-306)

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